How to Survive in a Slasher Movie

Aren’t you tired of the same old clichés in slasher movies? How the virgins never die and sluts get chopped into pieces? How people in a group always split up and thus making it easier for the psycho-freaky Jason to get them, one by one? Sounds familiar?

This post is all about survival. So step aside, Bear Grylls, Soul Fishing is taking over.

Here is slasher movie survival one-on-one:

1.Stay away from rooms with flickering lights. Why are people in horror movies so drawn to rooms with friggin’ flickering lights, can anyone please explain this to me? I mean, any normal human being with a normal sense of danger will stay the hell away from creepy rooms with flickering lights, if they’re alone, whereas in slashers, they are like, ‘’yeah, I’m totally going in. Alone. Unarmed. With a dead cell phone. Really scared. With a full bladder.’’ 

I’m kidding. The bladder is empty, as the person had had a moment of weakness before entering the room with flickering lights.

2. Don’t say ‘’hello?’’ and/or ‘’hello, is anyone there?’’ when entering a room with flickering lights. You’re going to die for sure. If you want my advice, say: ‘’Oy, are you there, mate?’’ with a Scottish accent. That’s going to throw the killer off his game for sure and all of a sudden you have a 70% chance of survival. Guaranteed.

3.Don't split up. Why, why, why would you do that? Why do people in slashers repeat the same mistake over and over again? ‘’Yeah, we are alone in the woods, without gas or water or toilet, in a small group of five and we should really split up. That’s a good one. Yup. Let’s do it.‘’

On the second hand, this decision was made by stupid people and therefore they kind of had it coming. Survival of the fittest. That’s not Soul Fishing. That’s friggin’ Darwin! Beat that!

4.Don't sleep around. Everybody has a weakness. Vampires have sunlight. Werewolves have silver. George W. Bush has intelligence. And killers have virgins. 

Ways of the world. Just ways of the world. So, keep your pants on and wait till the end of the slasher movie.

5.Take up Kung Fu. Let me ask you this: ‘’Would a killer take Bruce Lee down?’’ ‘’Of course not,’’ you say: ‘’Bruce would open a can of whoop-ass and make a Pscho-freaky Jason enchilada.’’

All I’m saying is this – somewhere underneath that scary black blood-splattered robe is a penis. And you should kick it as hard as you can. And then run for your life. It’s just common sense.

6.Hone your basic motor skills and learn how to run without falling down. Speaking of running for your life, you should really not trip over your own damn feet. Because it you do, you’re going to die for sure.

So I’m thinking maybe you should take some salsa lessons in advance, since dancing improves motor skills.

Just saying.

7.Stay away from mirrors. Stare into a mirror long enough and a psycho killer will appear behind you, out of nowhere, without you hearing him.

And we all know how that ends.

By you stabbing him in the eye with a toothbrush.

F*** you, killer.

8.Have your cell fully charged. Why, why, why do people in the shittiest situations run out of battery power? 

The Universe cannot be this lame! No, wait, the Murphy’s Law cannot be this lame! 

Could you please just have your batteries charged at all times, it’s not like it’s brain surgery!

So that's my slasher movie survival one-on-one.

I hope you enjoyed it.

Feel free to comment:)

-Teja xoxo

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