This is one of those few recipes that went terribly wrong for me.
And if not anything, it has taught me a valuable lesson.
And I still have no idea what that lesson is. I just ended up with bad sushi.
I realized that there are not enough really bad sushi recipes, so I've decided to write mine based on my personal experience when I was making sushi with a friend this Friday. So this is a how-to tutorial in reverse.
5 sheets nori
2 cups sushi rice, could be more because you can't remember how much there are supposed to be
2 ounces (or not) of smoked salmon (the generic kind you get in Hofer) cut into strips
1/2 avocado, thinly sliced
Your friend forgets to bring everything else.
1. Make sure that you're making your sushi on a Friday night when you're really tired from the entire work week. Have a glass of white wine before you start. There. That should make you even more tired and sleepy.
3. Have another glass of white wine with your friend.
4. Accidentally break the glass of wine.
5. Your friend says that you're going to use ordinary vinegar instead of rice vinegar. You agree that that's a good idea.
6. Place a nori sheet lengthwise on the non-existent bamboo rolling mat, shiny-side down. So basically place the nori sheet on the friggin' kitchen counter.
7. Take a handful of sushi rice. Place the rice in the center of the nori and use your fingers to spread the rice evenly over the nori.
8. Place the salmon strips and some avocado along the center of the rice.
9. Totally overfill the nori as you have no idea what the hell you're doing.
10. Begin rolling the nori away from you, while applying pressure to the fillings to keep the roll firm. That's the theory. The reality is that the your sushi roll looks like a mutant sea cucumber.
11. Slice the mutant sea cucumber in six pieces that fall apart spectacularly. You realize that the slices are friggin' oval.
12. Eat the six pieces using your fingers as there are no chopsticks. And all the forks are dirty and in the dishwasher.
13. Realize that the sushi tastes as bad as it looks.
14. Have another glass of wine.
15. Decide that next time, by God, you are ordering pizza.